The Day I saw my Daughter's Face

 For the past six years all Jeff and I could do was dream about our little one. Wondering what life would be like as parents, wondering if we ever would become parents. The adoption process started two years ago this past January and even though we KNEW it would happen, we still lived a life of waiting and dreaming. You get so used to saying SOMEDAY and ONE DAY. But you still feel so very far aware from your dream coming true.

Wednesday January 31^st, I noticed a missed call around 1:15 in the afternoon. I was at work and I saw my phone showing the city and state of my agency. My heart jumped into my throat. I quickly called the number and announced I was returning a call.

“Oh yes! We were wondering if you would be interested in volunteering for Holt!” My face became red and I could feel the heat steaming out of my ears.

“Are you kidding me?! I’m been expecting a call to be matched and your calling about this?! I’m so sorry but I’m busy and I’ll have to call you back”. I hung up the phone and returned to my desk. I feel so bad for the sweet lady on the phone as I know I was rude, but I almost died when I saw that number.

I sat back down and now notice I have a voicemail……..

It was the voice of the agency’s director. The voice of the lady who always calls each family when they have been matched. She left the CORRECT number I should have called. Oops!

Running back into the exam room I quickly call her back.

Every month we have a conference call and her voice is the one I hear. My mind is spinning but I feel like this is just another conference. She talks about our child and the special needs she has and being at work I’m thinking I’m talking about a patient so I’m not fully understanding this is finally THE call.

At least a minute goes by and I interrupt her.

“Did you just say I have a daughter?”

“Yes Jessica, you have a daughter”

I grabbed my heart, my pounding aching heart. Kneeling over the counter, the tears poured out. My legs became numb.

I have a Daughter.

She told me to catch my breath and I attempted to do so.

She stated She knew I was a nurse and thought I would recognize the care our daughter would need.

“Yes! I am a nurse! And I need to take care of my patients can I call you right back?!?!?”

I ran out of the room asking another nurse to call our supervisor and have someone replace me as I had a family emergency. Shaking profusely, I slowly managed to collect my breath and my wobbling legs and made my way to the parking lot.

That cold winter Wisconsin day I sat for the next 30 minutes in my car listening to this woman tell me about my daughter. Her name, her age, where she was born, where she lives. What she likes and how amazing and strong she is waiting for her mom and dad.

After the call she said an email would be on it's way of her file and her pictures. I made my way to the store and honestly, I don’t know how I got there because all I could do was try to picture my little girl. I ran in and gathered an abundant amount of red and pink helium balloons. By this time, I have now gathered the condition of Tourette’s.  

“I HAVE A DAUGHTER!!!!!!!!!”

I literally screamed in the cashier’s face as she was ringing me up. She smiled and could tell I was beyond excited. Tears came again, and I shared our adoption story. They were kind and wished us all the happiness. 

Getting home I had 1 hour until Jeff would arrive. Arranging her room, I rushed to my computer to look at that beautiful face. I couldn’t wait one more minute and Jeff agrees he wouldn’t have waited either.

Unlocking the files, she appears on my screen. My tears slowly roll down my cheek and the first thing I could say out loud was…..She’s Happy.

God is so good! Let me explain how awesome and how amazing His love is for us.

Every night for 2 years Jeff and I prayed for our little one. Lord we pray they feel safe, they feel loved. They are happy and they are fed and warm.

From blogs and friends and online I’ve seen the pictures of the children waiting in those places. Empty eyes and blank faces. I've dreamt of this moment and was also terrified of it. How was I to look at my child’s face and see the sadness in her eyes, and not be able to do anything for her for months to come!

The first picture I see of my daughter is a picture of her smiling. She is SMILING.

God gave me the gift of this little girl and gave the gift any parent would every hope for. He gave me the sense that she is Loved she is Happy and she is Safe.

My heart is so thankful for that photo.

Jeff comes home, and I hide any evidence. I collect myself and stay in the kitchen so that I don’t look too excited that he’s home. He spends time taking off his shoes and my whole body is buzzing. My fit bit shows me my heart rate is 108.

“Hey babe I got a cute sign that needs to be hung” He Hates putting things on the walls.

“Are you kidding me? Ugh…”

Oh, my goodness I am just dying.

“Yes, please it’s so cute and it’s in the kid’s room. Please put it up so the animals don’t wreck it.”

I follow him up the stairs, he opens the door.

The balloons have filled her room and he stops. Turning towards me he realizes we have gotten the call. Verifying it’s a girl all I could do was nod my head with tears pouring out. Holding one another we spent the rest of the night sitting in her room and looking at her photos and videos.

He says she’s perfect.

The day I saw my daughters face I stepped into another universe. She is real, and she is waiting for us. The longing, the waiting, the paperwork seems like NOTHING, all to be able to look at that precious little girl and know I get love her the rest of my life.

I wake up in the morning afraid it was all a dream and I rush to my phone to look at her face. Other times I put my phone away to not distract me from looking at her, then I feel guilty I'm here and she's there......and I look at her photo again.

What’s the amount of tears a human can produce? Will I ever run out?

On the way to his grandparents home this weekend we spoke about the moment we decided to adopt. How terrifying and scared we were of the unknown. We held our faith and poured our trust in God to heal our pain. Through my years of living with infertility, Jeff and I walked some of the darkest and scariest moments of our lives. God offered his love to us, but Jeff and I could not be forced. We had to commit, we had to agree, we had to fight. We had to ask ourselves if we were doing everything we could possibly be doing for our child. We reminded ourselves one day our child might ask us if we were ever scared once and what we did when we felt we couldn’t go on. We realized what we needed to do. We walked in the dark of the unknown and allowed God to grow us into the Christians, the parents we were meant to be. He asked us to trust His plan. We placed our child in our hearts and we carried her there every second of every day. She gave us strength. Aubrey, you gave us hope.

Aubrey, we Fought for you and loved you before you were born, before we even knew of you, you were so loved. God is keeping you safe until we can hold you in our arms. Be brave little one.

Aubrey Mae Burmeister, I CANNOT WAIT, To hold you in my arms.