Dont Move on, Move forward

Grieving is hard to understand, hard to go through, hard to watch others suffer through and hard to accept.  All of us have grieved a loss one time or another, over a loved one, a relationship, over our beloved animal. There are those items we may not think of as grieving which could be the loss of a job, a house in a fire, the inability to continue college in order to take care of the family, or receiving an injury keeping you from your job or hobbies.

 Everyone has their ways of going through the process whether it’s seeking help from others, choosing to be alone, or taking on habits good or bad. You can never push someone to talk to you and you can’t always help, it’s not your job. Understanding what someone is going through is beyond our grasp. We can try to imagine what they are going through or even have a similar situation we have been through, but the only person who can comprehend the grief is the person who is actually grieving. All we can do is be there for them if they ask.

Going through the stages can be quite miserable but I think the hardest stage is the last. Acceptance. It’s almost as if I’m standing in the long dirt road with a white line in the middle. Once I cross it, I can’t come back and for some reason I’d rather hold on to the anger, denial and bargaining instead of crossing over to assurance freedom and Peace. Why do we do this? I have no idea it’s sounds simple right? It’s like Going to work over taking vacation. Allowing it to storm over the warmth of sunshine. Eating beets instead of ice cream. Ugh Side note, Why on earth do we even have those? Having Emptiness rather than happiness. I suppose it's because once we accept reality, we give up our control and we admit our plan, the one we worked all our life for, may not turn out the way we hoped for.  I’m guilty of choosing emptiness and I did it for such a long time.

Through my process of infertility specialists, tests, and office visits everyone was so uplifting with high spirits and was always encouraging. That’s our habit and our in our first nature. I do it all the time with my patients, friends and family. If we were all Debbie downers there would be too much negativity in the world and we don’t need any more of that.

I remember a story my grandpa once told me when I was young about the two frogs who fell in a hole. As much and as hard as their little legs would jump they would just miss the top of the hole falling back down into the dark dirty pit. Their group of friends were shouting at them to give up! “You’ll never make it! Stop jumping and just give up”. One frog quit shortly after while the other jumped and jumped until finally he made it to the top and on safe ground. The frogs were surprised and asked why he didn’t just give up like they told him to. The frog that made it was confused “I have bad hearing and I couldn’t make out what you said, I thought you were encouraging me and telling me to fight, so I never gave up”.

Believing in someone allows that person to believe in themselves. Give that person every reason to try, to fight harder to take all of statistics, facts, doubts and throw it out the window. Give that person power to help them be stronger.

All those inspiring, promising statements that were given to me when Jeff and I were trying, I am truly thankful for. I had one in particular that came from a nurse who roomed me in Milwaukee on my first day. She told me how she first was a patient there going through what I was going through and she soon became pregnant with the treatments. Shortly after became a nurse to help those who were suffering the same diagnosis. I remember crying cause for the first time I thought. Ok! This will work! I will get pregnant. Well as we know two years later that didn’t happen. What I wish actually would have happened that day was this. After I met with the first nurse, I would have gone into another room, similar to the first, a desk, a chair, a plant on the tablet next to some magazines with cute little babies on the cover and a nurse. Not the same through, this nurse would have been different. She would have held my hand looked into my eyes and said “You might get pregnant, you might not. Not matter what happens, you are strong, you are worthy and you will get through this and you will be ok.”

I know if that actually happen I probably would have been shocked and thought geez lady! Any woman who fights to become pregnant finds it hard, to see her path differently. At that time in my life, I wanted and needed to get pregnant and I wasn’t accepting any other way. Not giving birth to my child made me feel ashamed. Something was wrong with me and it was not right or ok that I needed help, when other women didn’t. It made me feel weak, a failure, and I turned to the rainy, no vacation days, lack of ice cream, kind of days. I turned to emptiness and I allowed myself to stay there.

Those were the toughest days of my life and I cry as I write this because I wish that upon no one. Not the feeling of doubt in one self nor the feeling of being a childless mother. It came to a point where I needed to accept I won’t ever carry a child, and either give up or start fighting for the child that was waiting for me. 

Today, I am fortunate enough to know next year We will fly to China and hold our little one in our arms and whisper I love you in their soft tiny ear. Today I am a stronger person who knows I am worthy. I will not let my diagnosis take over my life and control my future. I will live the life I was given because I am strong enough to live it. I will dare to take on challenges. I believe in myself. I dance in the kitchen, I sing at work, (ask my coworkers) and I will someday dance and sing with my child.

It didn’t matter the amount of times I heard this from my friends, family or husband. I was the one who needed to believe in myself. You are the only one who can fight on the inside and remove the pain. You are the only one who can allow yourself to be loved! It’s ok if the pain still lingers, it’s not easy to forget somedays for me, we are only human. I wish I could tell you a light bulb goes on or you wake up one day feeling simply at peace, but it takes time. Every day after you will need to forgive yourself, and allow yourself to live.

“When You walked upon the earth, You healed the broken lost and hurt. I know You hate to see me cry, one day You will set all things right. Yeah, one day You will set all things right. When my world is shaking, Heaven stands. When my heart is breaking. I never leave Your hands” -J.J Heller