Growing in my Heart not under it

I’ve been thinking about our little one a lot lately. Have You ever had that feeling where something exciting is happening soon in your life but it hasn’t “hit you yet” and only will when the day comes? Like a big vacation is coming up next month or you’re getting married. You know it’s reality but it still seems like a dream until maybe the night before, or the morning of where then your heart will be beating out of your chest with excitement?! That isn’t how I feel with my child. I feel such a strong bond with him or her it’s incredible.

He or she is already with me every day. I talk in conversations of when they will be here as if it would be tomorrow, and how things will be when they arrive. I pray constantly almost as if I’m talking to him or her and it’s the strangest thing. I sense a powerful connection as well as mother child separation that could cause a shiver. There is also this strong feeling in my heart that somehow our missing piece knows we are fighting for them. Truth is he or she is only an infant right now so in no way can fathom what our future holds together. Suddenly an intense calmness inside leads me to believe they are being taken care of until we are together.

I’m thankful and blessed with this sense of peace I have. I get many reminders from friends and family that he or she is already born, discussing how hold they will be when they come home to us. We get excited but I also get a rush of anxiety thinking that my baby is growing up without me and how unfair it is that I should and cannot be with them! These  thoughts could lead to many frustrated and worried nights thinking and wondering if they are warm, fed or healthy. I have no control of the situation and so I choose to hold on to my faith, pray and hope that He is watching over him or her until I am able to do so.

During my days at work I get to meet a wide range of wonderful people. Hearing their stories getting to know their life’s journey. I enjoy taking care and having a bond with my patients. Trying not to talk about my life, sometimes they do get curious and ask about my own family. “Got any kids” “I see a ring there must be children in the home” Always excited to announce we are adopting I allow them to get a little peek of my family.

I was extremely surprised by the common response I received…………….

WHY?

I’m curious what they mean by WHY but we have a short time, our visits are patient focused and would never feel the need to make the time we have about me so I quickly respond, it was God’s path for us.

Some continue and ask…

Could you not get pregnant?

Me asking You personal questions is my job; doesn’t mean you get to return the favor.

I still never expect to hear a response of WHY because I never thought there needed to be a reason to bring a child home into a family in the first place. Adoption may not be the path for everyone but I feel it could be for so many more. It's intimidating I admit, I get wide eyed looks when I explain what part of the process I’m in and questions as to why I need to fill out paperwork A,B and C. It also does not mean you’re a bad person for doubting or questioning or choosing not to adopt as well. I was terrified when I Was making the decision. My husband and I prayed long and hard for about a year before we choose to follow this rewarding journey.

 

As human as I am, I'm a planner. Maybe even more than most? Do I have Christmas gifts bought in August? Yes. Do I make a list of types of lists I need to make? Yes. Do I have 5 calendars in my house because I like to be organized? Yes. Did I freeze up and stare blankly at my future when My plan to get pregnant didn't turn out as planned? Yes. 

I'm guilty of always having a plan. Knowing the who what where and when, when it came to making decisions. How insanely wrong I was to wish to have everything turn out the way I wanted it to. I needed to release myself from my small expectations of myself and allow my path to turn. I have  no need for how, when or why anymore. Only the willingness to be free and dare to live a life worth fighting for. 

Today I roomed another patient that asked about my family. Her response went like this.

“You know I always lived by 1^st Corinthians 13. To keep strong in my Faith, Hope and Love and to keep Love as the strongest. But do you know what else I think we need? Trust. We cannot control a lot of things in the world but we can put our trust in the Lord.”

She didn’t know my story or my journey, she didn’t ask my why or educate me on other ways I should try to get pregnant. She reminded me that when tonight comes and every night there after when I desperately want to hold my child, look them in their eyes and tell them I love them, I won’t be able to. Instead I can put all my trust in our Lord and lift all my fears and worries and doubts and place them in His hands.

 

Maybe that is why I have a sense of peace in my heart? I pray my little one feels it too.