8 Months' Paper Pregnant with 15+ to Go

It’s coming to the end of 8 months since we jumped on the path towards bringing our family

together through adoption. I’m sure you all know a healthy pregnancy is about 9 months; Two weeks ago I began to go through the “nesting” phase. Not only was I continually filling out the paperwork, I was also planning and rearranging our ENTIRE HOUSE for our little one. Thanks to my mom, we spent a whole day cleaning and organizing the upstairs. Our kids room is completely cleared out, with only the random clothes I kept from our earlier rummage sale, and a few books I’ve gathered; Their play room is organized and ready to be filled with toys and memories! I find myself looking in the kid’s aisle at Target just gazing and looking at prices and to see what is popular. Should I buy a few items now? I reach for an outfit as a lump swells up in my throat. No..too soon. I feel I’ve done so much in the last 8 months and nothing has changed. I’m about “due” and my house is still silent, my kids

room is still empty, and the only vision of my child I have is the one I play in my head every night.

Every day is different--It really is. You need a strong heart in an adoption journey as your emotions can relate to a roller coaster. I don’t have a countdown to when we will see our picture of our missing piece, but the earliest we can be matched is August 2017, so I hold on to that hope. I’m trying to wake up each morning remembering each day lasts only once, and I try not to focus so much on next year. I know I’m busy and have a list of things to fill out; but Jeff and I decided that if this process is meant to take this long, we must find good in it, as well. Exactly a year ago I was sitting on the same chair I am today; Looking out my open living room window, I can hear our neighbors mowing the lawn and see the birds landing on the feeders just outside my reach. The difference is last year I was recovering from surgery, and I probably had a bowl of ice cream on my lap. Jeff and I have grown closer since then. Sitting in the room together at the doctor’s office, we held hands as we were told the results of the biopsy.  Our hearts grew thankful as it was negative for cancer, but with a deep breath she told us we had a lesser chance of getting pregnant.

Days turned into weeks and weeks into months. Our Hope to have children didn’t grow weary, per se, but we felt we were being moved to a different path. Our minds went from fertility treatments to Adoption.. and since then we no longer wonder about kids. We know with great confidence they are out there waiting for us. This really was eye opening and felt almost as if a door opened that we never knew could.

An adoption journey will be different for everyone. Some know before they are even married they will adopt, some may have kids first and wish to adopt.

Either way, one person’s past or future will be different from yours. Sometimes people around you won’t understand your journey, but it isn’t their journey to understand.  A few weeks ago I was back in the doctor’s office discussing treatments for the returned pain of Endometriosis. The room completely went dark for a moment when I heard her explain that she could try to manage the pain, but if I want to have a biological child, the only possible yet unlikely way would be to see a specialist now and work on in vitro. She went on to say that she didn’t have high expectations even in vitro would work, but if at all I wanted to try, I needed to see them like, yesterday.

Not all days are good, not all days are bad; but this one was a tough one. Is she telling me if I ever want to have a small chance at having a biological child I need to commit to it now? It’s an impossible thing due to the adoption process. Our savings and time is vowed to our missing piece and I will not abandon them.  They are a part of our lives already, and our home is waiting patiently for him or her. I’m 8 months’ paper pregnant with 15 + months to go. I will not, for one second, turn my back on you; Instead I will reach with all the strength I have left to bring you home.  Deciding to proceed with the only possible chance I may have to carry a child and forsake the child already praying for their forever family? This answer was easy, but hard to swallow. My heart is already taken and it’s in China. I pray this rocky passage will prepare me for what I was made for. I don’t always understand His ways; Sometimes I look up fist in air and yell “This better be going somewhere!” He knows my humor (He made it). I hold on tight to the promise He made that He would never Leave us or Forsake us. Each day He reminds me that I was wonderfully made with a purpose.  This Journey is exactly that-- a Journey--and I will grow strong, I will learn, I will grow closer with my husband, I will love myself more, I will grow weak, I will cry, I will question, I will struggle, I will ask for help, I will see life for its beauty, I will notice the good, I will fight, and I will pray for you.

 

Whatever your journey is right now, face forward, move forward, and grow with each bump in the road you run into. The best part of the journey isn’t the ending.. it’s the person you've become throughout the process.

 

I leave you with a quote from one of my best friends, who is also going through a difficult time. When I read her text I laughed, felt sad, and was motivated all at once.

"Monday I bawled all day, and now I'm ready to fight."