A Letter to my Child's Biological Mother

I sit in my chair in my home across the world from you.  It is day time here where the night falls there. I know what my days hold for me and I stay busy with the joys of life, my career I chose for myself and the simple moments I get to spend with the ones I love. I force myself to stay busy. It’s not an easy life waiting for our child. So, I keep my mind full, challenge myself to learn each day and test the limits of my emotions.

Today has been cozy, with a coffee at my side I enjoy the warmth of my fireplace. Its March so I do not know how much longer I will be able to enjoy the smell of a wood burning fire. I also live in Wisconsin so it could be at least one more month.

I woke up today with nothing planned until late evening and so I gathered up a list of house hold chores I’ve been meaning to get done.  Close to the end with dust rag in hand I notice one of my plants sitting on my windowsill behind my kitchen sink. It was just shy of the sunlight peering through and so I reached out, gently lifted it into the ray of sun and as I pulled back, my elbow just grazed a wine glass that has been waiting to be cleaned.

The shatter was loud and glass formed all around. The seconds seems like minutes but I stood there and just stared. This was a glass of a set of four and now it was broken. I surprisingly wasn’t mad, a bit annoyed with myself. Why did I wait so long to clean that glass and why wasn’t I more careful about my surroundings? I tip toed around searching for the teeny tinny fragments and I started to think about my child and how I long for the day I will be cleaning up this same type of accident that will be made by him or her. I took the time to remember how I felt at this moment. Glass in hand I began to cry.

I imagine the first time our child breaks something how incredibly happy I will be, and how unbelievably confused they will be. 

How quiet and lonely it seems as I wait for our missing piece to come home. Every day is a task to try not to think of them and wish they were here. I fail so often.

I can’t imagine what your mind is going through.  I try hard to picture what you look like or what you might be doing. Are you married? Do you have other children? Do you work? Most importantly has your heart healed? You recently made one of the hardest decisions of your life. You placed our child up for adoption, you gave him or her a chance at finding a forever family and in return you dealt with the loss of a child.

You may have a different life than mine, speak a different language and have different color skin but one thing we do in fact have in common is the pain we both suffered during the loss of a child. I bet your heart aches the same as mine did when I heard I couldn’t carry a child. The same feeling you felt when you knew you couldn’t protect ours in your arms.

We share the same feeling of reaching out and holding on tight to our faith. You putting our child up for adopting, me accepting Gods path to adopt a child I’ve never met. 

We share the Same God who has challenged us, guided us through our darkest pain and has given us hope for a new beginning.

We share the same God who has always known our plan. He did not always carry us through the suffering but fought with us by our side.

We share the same God who loves our child, who is protecting them right now in our place while neither of us can.

I also think we prayed for one another. You praying your child is loved by a good family, I pray to finally give my unconditional love to the child God has chosen for me.

One thing is different, our little one I will meet, and my testing patience will soon come to an end when we lock arms and know our future will forever never be the same. You, on the other hand will always be waiting, always wondering if you ever made the right decision. The moments I have right now you will always have. Your bravery and loyalty to our child makes me forever grateful to you.

In the days to come when our missing piece grows strong and builds the ability to run and play, and read and write. They will also learn of the love from their biological mother. The one who prayed to God for safety for our child and leaped into trusting His plan even knowing the rest of her life on earth she will always wonder. The woman who loved her child so much she allowed him or her to be cared for by a stranger so that he or she could have a better future.

You are more than a biological mother to my child. You are an answered prayer. I pray for you to find peace in your heart.  

I pray for you.