Please Don't be Offended but, You Offended Me
I’ve been debating about writing this next post for a very
long time. Wondering if it was necessary or if it would come off rude. I try to
make my blogs positive. I try to open the eyes to others on the process
of Adoption. Over the past year I’ve written over 14 pieces. I’ve shared with
you all things I didn’t know I needed to share. You’ve given me the opportunity to
face some inner demons and really dig deep into the person this journey is
building. This Blog has given me the opportunity to grow, and heal by allowing
me to be honest with myself.
I had a recent conversation with a friend about our process
and she told me she was thankful that she got to spend one on one time with me.
She said she hears me talk about the adoption often but really wanted to see
how I truly am doing. She wanted to see the part I always hide. I was surprised, shocked
actually! She caught me. I put on a
strong face or at least I thought I did. I quickly became a little relieved that
I could be honest with her and share what was actually going on behind doors.
Infertility and
Adoption is a difficult journey and I realized I was only sharing the happy and
exciting parts. The segments that showed Joy, and the measurements that I felt
were valuable. The point of this blog is to prepare and educate those who are
interested in making their family through adoption, and who seek to help those
going through the process. People often think of the time frame of adoption and
correlates that with the hardest part of the process. You definitely need
patience, but that isn’t even close to
the hardest part.
Before I begin I need you to know three very important
things,
1.
I have accepted Gods plan for Jeff and me and
I’m filled with incredible joy that we get to fly to China to bring home our
child who has grown in our hearts for such a long time.
2.
We still cannot believe how much support and
love we have from friends and family. Our fundraisers have all gone amazingly
well. We understand we are very lucky as some families do not get this same
experience.
3.
I do not believe anyone who made one of the
following comments, made them intentionally to hurt us. I believe they really
did try to make me feel better or tried to understand. That does not mean it
did not hurt or that I didn’t continually think about the comment that was made
about my child that day.
This blog is for all the voices that are unheard and all the
families who are too polite to speak of the upsetting questions and comments
that are being told to us. This blog is the darker and not so happy side of
infertility and adoption. If I didn’t
share this with you I wouldn’t be completely honest and open about the
expectations of this journey. These conversations and encounters are not to
attack or bring up one person or one situation. These comments have been made to
my family and others, many times. I would like to educate on some of the things
you may be thinking that should perhaps been expressed in more of an
appropriate manner. Some things should never be said at all.
Please don’t be offended if you offended me.
How much does your
child cost?
Why don’t you adopt
from your own country?
Do you know anything
about their real parents?
Ok two of these are pretty common and I understand if you
haven’t met many people who have adopted why you would ask these questions but
in truth, these are very, very personal, one in which is very hurtful. I’ve
become almost a zombie when I answer these questions because of how often those
questions are asked. I also remind myself every time that it’s good that people
ask questions, but it doesn’t mean I don’t go a little numb inside.
About on average how
much does the process of adoption cost?
This is more of an
appropriate way of asking. It’s not a secret either you could google it if you’re
really interested. I do not find myself asking people how much their hospital
stay was or how much their C-section would cost if insurance didn’t cover. The
price of adoption sucks, that’s not a lie but when you have a love for a child,
nothing will stop you to get to them or to give them a life they deserve.
I’m curious what led
your heart to do an international adoption?
I get this can be a curious question. I guess it’s the way
it’s stated and the tone that person uses. Almost like, “you’re an American,
your white why do you want a child from a different country?”
An orphan is an orphan no matter where they come from or
what they look like so let’s get that straight. This question isn’t easy for me
to answer because I just knew. I knew our child was born in China and is
waiting for us. I just knew. God created us to answer other’s prayers. He
places our joys and dreams in our heart so that we can live the life we were
meant to live. Now if you talk about the way the system works whether it’s a
domestic or international adoption we can get into detail of that later. But before
we knew all the details of what the differences were, we already knew……
This one stings. “Real parents”. Do people really know what they sound like when
they say this to us?
First of all there are so many families out there that are
not blood related. I’m as close to my in-laws than I am to my biological
extended family. My friend’s mom is my 2nd mom. My best friends are
my sisters. A family is not a last name, it is not biology.
I am real. I’m alive. I’m right here and will be by my
child’s side during the hard times, the fun times and worst times. This
question hurts so bad it’s almost a slap in the face.
Asking about their biological parents, I understand. Our
child will one day ask those questions and they might be difficult
conversations. Our child will have a harder time with this as we won’t have any
answers. We will not know anything about them. We will have to try our best to
explain to our little one how much their biological parents loved them, and that is why they chose to make an
adoption plan so our child could have a better life with us. Our child will
know we are thankful to them, and pray for them every night because if it
wasn’t for them we wouldn’t have our little one.
If you want to know about their “real parents” chat me up!
I’m an open book. You can even pinch me, I’m real. 😊
There are times I talk with friends or others about their
children and the phases their little ones are going through. Motherhood is
hard! I see them putting all their energy into raising their children in an
amazing awe that I cannot wait to be by their side. There is no doubt there are
nights they struggle to stay awake taking care of their teething baby. Or
forget to brush their own teeth because they were running late packing for their
kid’s day care bag. They put their child first and the random times they vent
about lack of sleep or forgetting to eat or running out of clean clothes isn’t
an issue. I know, they know they are lucky and they know I know I will one day
be sleep deprived as well.
What is the issue, are the things they say to me
“be lucky you’ll skip
the teething phase”
Or
“you’ll be glad you
won’t have to deal with breast feeding”
Or
“How nice, your child
will be old enough to walk already”
You all say this and yet complain how fast your child is
growing. You fear your child is teething and I fear no one is holding mine and
consoling them when they are in pain. You are exhausted from feeding your child
and I long and pray I can have that bond with my child one day.
Who is rocking my child to sleep? Does someone hear them if
they cry?
I miss their first
smile, laugh, crawl, steps, word. Those 18months when they are growing and
learning, I won’t be there and I would do ANYTHING to get those moments with
them.
You don’t mean to hurt my feelings when you express your
thoughts I can even see you are trying to comfort me about the situation, but
it’s a testy subject. Adoption has its challenges and it’s not the money or
paperwork that makes it difficult. It’s knowing our little one is across the
world and we can’t run to them or hold them. It’s the waiting period that is
the hardest.
“Miracles can happen I
bet you’ll still get pregnant!”
“If you get pregnant
you wouldn’t have to adopt”
“Are you sure you can’t
get pregnant?”
Infertility is a grueling occurrence. Obviously not planned,
and rips a hole in your heart.
It erases all your plans you once had and forces you put on
a strong face while you are breaking on the inside. You don’t show emotion or
your fear because you don’t know if anyone could possibly understand the ache
your heart is undergoing. You hide your pain because no one needs to know,
because no one can help.
There are ok days. There are bad days, and then there are
dark days.
Each month is heart breaking.
You must physically allow yourself to feel again because of
how numb you forced yourself to be.
You cry, you pray. You scream, you hate yourself, you hate
the world and you hate the fact you love this child so much. You hate that you
physically can’t give your husband a child.
Your child consumes
your heart.
You protect it, attempt to keep it strong,
keep it from breaking
anymore to keep your child alive.
You fight, HARD, every day until medically you need surgery
and find out the worst.
By multiple doctors.
4 years times 12 months. You never want to hold a pregnancy test again.
It is an emotional trauma,
you live day, after day, after day,
wondering how you are surviving.
Jeff and I grieved, until a form of peace entered our
hearts. Not sure if he remembers where he was but I was sitting in my living
room when I finally listened to our calling. A sense of Joy and hope filled my
soul I had goosebumps all over. I remember thinking about adoption many years
prior, and having doubts. I hadn’t thought about it since and that day it was
kinda like A-HA! Our life had light again, we felt safe, we felt empowered.
I have accepted my
infertility and YOU NEED TO TOO.
My life is not meant to carry my child. You tell me a
miracle can happen, well it already is in progress. We are flying across the
world to bring home and care for our child who needs love. We have the ability
to help a child. We see miracles every day, through our support system, our
fundraiser and through our faith.
We were meant for this adoption journey. I’m sorry if you
are still suffering from my diagnosis. Please don’t make me feel guilty that I
can’t carry our child. Don’t think I’m not happy. I’m so thankful I get to be
on this crazy terrifying draining, beautiful, remarkable, rewarding journey.
A woman’s strength is hard to measure. We hide it. We don’t
allow people to see our battle that is going on in our head or what we are truly
thinking on the inside. We force a smile because no one needs to see our fear.
There it is, not all of it but a piece of the shadow that I
hide. I will lay my head down tonight, child taking my last thought until I
wake up again when they will take the first. Tears are shed weekly just ask
Jeff, he came to learn a hug is what usually does the trick……..or ice cream 😉
The paperwork, the money, the hoops they make you jump through
are tough, but doable.
The wait……the worry and fear is the cruelest. I at least
know my child is out there and I see our future. Do they know I’m here? Do they
know they are loved?
I give my fears to you Lord. Now help me put back on my
brave face.
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