Today I'm Thankful

This December we have been paper pregnant for 23 months. I’ve related it to the 3 trimesters I believe would be like our steps in this process. The beginning I was excited! Anxious, my body was stressed with adapting to our crazy schedules including meeting with our social workers, fundraising, and reading books on what to expect during the adoption journey.

When our Home study was approved I believed we moved on to the 2^nd trimester. We started to relax and feel more comfortable. Our mood swings started to slow down, and we had fun planning our future including our little one. Once our dossier was approved and sent to China in July, that was the start of our 3^rd trimester. Home stretch. First two months were like vacation. We enjoyed “our last moments together” spending more “us” time. Next two months I hit the nesting phase and planned the kids room, made pallet signs to place in their room and bought a few things here and there I thought would help me with the waiting process.

Last few weeks I’ve been feeling a lot more anxious. I freaked out that I didn’t know enough about China and scoped out amazon for books. I glanced through Holts website and looked at blogs, webinars and documents that guided me through travel times and how the matching process was going.

I needed to distract myself. December is by far my favorite time of year, so I was fortunate enough to find my usual projects. Our tree has been up since last weekend and by tomorrow our Christmas cards will be sent. My Shopping as been done for weeks now.

Man, I need to pace myself! Pretty soon I’ll be up on our roof adding lights to our house. Which would only make more work for my husband due to my clumsiness.

As hard as I try to distract myself and occupy my time with projects, my mind still turns to my Child's face. The thought of them has encapsulated my heart and mind.

Goodness, I think we have reached the labor part of this paper pregnancy. 

Waiting for this phone call is a chilling similarity to waiting for a positive pregnancy test. Each month that goes by places me back in my testing past. The difference is back then, we were uncertain our prayers would be answered. I know at the end of each month now, we are only closer. This hope allows my patience to grow stronger.  

I think women suffer through the incredible experience of child labor because in the end they know soon, if they keep fighting, keep pushing, keep breathing, they will ultimately hold their precious child in their arms. Their determination to endure hours of labor in order to give their child the ability to have their first breath leaves me speechless. I admire each of you. 

With each anxious moment I find myself to be in, I must breathe through it. Think of the bigger picture. Any moment, I could get that call and will see their face. Keep pushing forward, keep moving, keep breathing.

The Holiday season we are reminded to be Thankful. I find this to be some what challenging. Don’t get me wrong I’m extremely thankful for the friends and family I have. Thankful for my job, the roof over my head. Clean water, knowing I’ll have food when I get hungry. I know I’m thankful, but do I act like it?

Besides my family dinners and nightly prayers how often do I say out loud that I’m thankful. I forget throughout my day and I’m ashamed of it.  I’ve decided to make myself more aware of my behavior. If I start to complain about work or having to go to the grocery store or even letting my dog out in the middle of the night (sorry Bentley), I remind myself of what I have. I choose to be thankful. I choose to be happy.

Laugh if you want but I dare you to try it. Last week was a little difficult. Work was crazy, extra stress became apparent with relatives and I’ve been constantly wishing for that phone call. It was the 2^nd day in a row that I was at work and was feeling stressed. I was annoyed with the emotion and wanted it to change. Alone in a room I took a minute to myself and said out loud,

I am Happy. I am thankful.

It was like a triple shot skinny mocha! Hold the whip 😉

I was so shocked of the uplifting sense I felt run through my veins. So, I said it again.

I am Happy. I am Thankful.

My day turned around after that. I don’t think anything really changed, but my attitude sure did. The rest of the week had a few hiccups and bumps, but I honestly found more enjoyment in the days ahead.



Are you Familiar with Greys Anatomy? There's a scene many seasons ago where Amelia Shepherd, a Neurosurgeon, explains why she holds in superman pose prior to each surgery she enters. True or not I was inspired by this. Our minds easily fall into a routine and get tested day by day. Emotionally we can become weak if we don't remind ourselves what we are capable of. What we can overcome. People who struggle with anxiety fight an emotional battle on a daily basis. No, hourly basis. They may be clever enough to hide it from the outside world, but on the inside they are challenged and torn apart repeatedly. 

A quote I try to remember is one I heard during a work out video. The instructor said, "Your mind will give up quicker than your muscles will".  Our attitudes need direction, and reminders. It takes effort and can often be more difficult than a physical work out. 

So, there’s my new goal. Waking up thankful. It’s not a quick fix and needs a lot of practice. I mentally must catch myself every time I get irritated about something that isn’t worth complaining about.

This time of year, can get stressful. We can get greedy and consume our minds with what needs to get done. Complain about traffic and crowds. We forget there are those who don’t get to shop for others. Don’t have any place to go on Christmas. Those who lost jobs, those who lost loved ones.

I might be anxiously waiting for our phone call, but I’m thankful that call will come and how far along we are in this process. I’m thankful for the support we have as well as the ability to be in this process.

If we get a call any day, that means our little one could be anywhere between 12-18 months old. He or she will be more aware this Christmas unlike last year. As much as I wish I could be with them this year, all I can do is be thankful for the ones who are. My sense of gratitude for our little one’s care givers swells my heart. I get to celebrate Christmas with them for many years. This will be their last one with the ones they know, the ones who care and love them and tend to them each day.

I am Happy. I am Thankful.

This waiting period is a part of the journey. I was aware of it when I signed up. I knew it would be hard. I can keep heading down the road of worry and tension and allow it to build up, and see where that takes me. We all know it’s never the right choice and, yet we still flirt with that path.

It’s not worth it.

I find it follows you, keeping its distance but continues to show its face. Telling you, you still have the choice to allow your anxiety to take over and give into temptation. It waits for the perfect set up. A time when you almost hit your breaking point and want to become weak. My anxiety is there some days more apparent than others, but I won’t allow it to control my life. It will always chase me, and I will constantly have to remind myself I am stronger than I think I am.  

The bigger picture... waiting for the phone call makes me thankful I have something worth waiting for.