Don't expect your Fears to dissappear. Expect a Choice.

I can remember my best friend convincing me to get into that line many years ago. Everyone was wiping the sweat off their forehead as the sun was hitting it’s peak just around 3pm. The summer heat was beating down on us kids and yet my hands felt cold. She told me I had to be brave enough for one ride she wanted to go on. The line of people was long and somehow moved quick as I kept feeling my chest get heavier and heavier. The closer we got to the front, the taller the ride looked. Our turn was almost up and I now could feel the giant lump in my throat. I knew I had to do this, I knew it wouldn’t be that bad, but the anticipation was a killer. They opened the rope and I forced my numb legs to walk to my seat.  I’m locked in and there is no turning back. Our seats start to lift higher and higher until I no longer can see the people we shared the uneasy wait with. My friend tried to hold my hand and I clenched my grip tighter onto my safety harness. We’ve made it to the top and I know I only have 4 seconds before it drops us the 39 stories we just climbed. I swallow hard and our ride clicks.

I tried to scream with only air coming out of my mouth and before I know it we are back on the ground.

Since then I’ve done the giant drop only 3 more times……..

I get on a plane….in 5 days. A plane that will take me across the world to my daughter that I have been imagining about for years. When I’m not distracted by my job and paperwork This, is how I feel.

I haven’t written since we were matched In January. I guess I can say I’m thankful and lucky that these 3 months sped by. February was like boom Boom BOOM! Get this done ASAP. Don’t delay travel! You need this filled out! Jeff would hear me coming to bed around 2am. I was insane. Any time I got an email from the state or agency I completed it before going to bed. I told my husband to be thankful I was so focused because we know of a family who got matched before us and is traveling after us. Was it worth it? Of course, but I definitely could have taken better care of myself.

March went just as fast with Doctor appointments at children’s. Webinars, and preparing for our travel. Thank goodness with apps! I could not learn mandarin for the life of me….this app will be a life saver!

April then came along and suddenly it was like we weren’t prepared. We still had a whole month, but I was constantly rearranging her room, organizing. Packing. Repacking! And I was obsessed with blogs Pinterest and google. I searched continually for best ways to travel with a toddler. How to bond, how to travel in CHINA with a toddler. How to organize a toy room. How to do this. How to do that!

This wasn’t exciting or fun anymore I was stressing myself out. Finally, one night I broke down and told my husband I didn’t like who I was becoming. I knew this wasn’t me and I knew this was situational, but I couldn’t allow myself to ease up. I was afraid  this demanding controlling anxiety that has taken over me, was also my greatest weapon in accomplishing everything and knowing all.

One great advice came from a coworker and she told me to check out of social media. I was going to drive myself insane. I knew she was right and so that night I ended the relationship. It had to be done.

The 2^nd great advice was given to me early April but didn’t stick with me until this past weekend. A good friend prayed for me and shared that God had this beautiful journey that He had planned long, long, ago. He knows what will happen in China He knows all that will come. If He has the ability to bring this beautiful girl into my life, He sure as heck can sort out the details with packing and which blanket I should bring for her!

I blocked this information and allowed myself to still feel anxious. There was something deeper going on. What was I hiding?

It wasn’t my lack of faith in our Lord. Goodness knows my faith grows stronger every day. I’ve learned to trust and lean on Him. But I was lacking something….

I was lacking faith in myself.

An expecting mother I hear tears herself apart weeks before she delivers. My close friends shared stories of not believing they were prepared enough as well. One folding the same outfit over and over again and yelling at herself stating how silly she was for folding it one way the first time. How silly she said. She made me laugh. Another stating she felt she never had enough of anything. I picture my friend being 40 weeks pregnant walking through the pharmacy pulling all items on each shelf into her chart not even realizing what she was all buying.

I sit in Aubrey’s room and I think about what else I could do, organize, buy. In order to cover up the fact that I’m scared I’ll fail her.

This beautiful miracle that I have been praying for is right in front of me and I feel I don’t deserve this.

I’ve been climbing  this mountain for the past 2.5 years and I reach up and grab that last edge of the cliff just before I hit the top. I’ve been climbing slowly and patiently and finally I pull myself up. I stand on the top of the mountain that reflects the first phrase of this journey. All that’s left to do is jump….or in our case, get on a plane. Phase two will include our daughter. A young child who will only know us as the strangers who took her away from her home. My dream will finally be literally in my hands, my arms. While Her world will turn into a confusing nightmare. Becoming a mother, you put your child’s needs first. My prayers will be answered on May 14ths while my daughters world will be ripped away. So I morn for her. I fear for her. My heart will not be whole until she finds peace in hers.

The fear I feel each minute of every day for the past few weeks will need to be removed. I know no parent is perfect and they do the best they can. The best they know how to. I took time for myself the other day and reflected. I allowed myself to be scared and acknowledged it. Facing it and admitting to my fears didn’t make them disappear. It did make me stronger. Wiser. Fiercer.  As a mother I will teach my daughter many things. She will learn it’s ok to be afraid cause who the hell isn’t? But she will not learn to back down.

 She will learn to believe in herself.

She will learn to take on challenges.

She will learn she is powerful.

 I will stand on that tall mountain looking out and I will leave behind the doubts, my anxieties, my selfish thoughts of not believing in myself. This is not about me. This is about her.

She waits for me…..And so I jump.