Make a moment in Your Journey..Be a Powerful one

I deeply apologize for leaving you all hanging. I’ve been learning how to be a mom, how to stay true to myself, how to keep faith first and how to accept that even though Aubrey comes first, mommy needs some self-reflection and alone time too.

She has been my number one priority, and even though she still is and always will be, we have started to finally trust one another. Not only did she need to grow to trust Jeff and I, that we will always be there for her, but I also needed to trust her love for me. That when she yells, or chooses dad over me, or when she doesn't want to give me kisses, she DOES love me, and knows I'm her mama.

Most photos were with daddy and if mama joined

she would lean away sometimes even push me away 

from her.

Bonding and her emotions have been my main focus every day for the past 7 months. She’s happy, she’s safe, she’s even laughing and calling me mom. But for the longest time I could not get past the feeling that she saw me as her caregiver.

Patience is something I’ve learned to have. Through infertility, waiting to be matched, waiting for her love. I was so focused on patience that I had forgotten something more important, something that allows you to fight harder and calm your nerves. Something that grabs hold of you to remind you everything is right where it should be and you are doing everything you can be doing.

Trust.

We pray everyday, even Aubrey reminds us if we forget. We bow our heads and thank Jesus for bringing us together. Jeffs and my motto for the past 7 months during sleepless nights, uncontrollable tantrums, were that we were thankful. Aubrey needed to work through her emotions and learn to allow herself to be loved. We tried everyday to allow her to take baby steps in joining our family but the days grew long.

We would doubt ourselves, do research, burn our energy trying to find out what we were doing wrong.

We blamed ourselves, blamed each other and our patience started to lose its flame.

Aubrey would choose others over me, strangers. People at the grocery store, people in the doctors waiting room.

"she's so friendly"
"well she got over the stranger phase"

They didn't understand that she grew up with strangers. This was normal for her, she didn't grow up with a mom.

When I would come home, she wouldn’t run to me. She needed Dad to put her to bed, feed her, change her.

"All toddlers do this, they all choose a favorite"
But she didn't grow up with us, she didn't choose a favorite, she chose one of us from the beginning.

Meeting new people, I felt pushed and stressed to let them hold her even though I knew it wasn’t time yet. Part of our journey included classes and encouragement for bonding. A big part was not letting others but Jeff and I hold her for the first few months. 

“She looks like she loves you! I think we can hold her now”

I couldn’t tell them the truth, I couldn’t complain about our nights at home.

“Toddlers will be toddlers”

I felt they were very naive. Still not understanding the complexity of it all.

Our summer was amazing and it was magical to see her experience her new life. Watching her grow and learn, catching on to things so well. Her personality showed spunk and independence. Always wanting to help and learning to dress herself, using silver wear right away and a cup without a lid. It was surprising how quickly she caught on to English and would listen to us when we asked her to find an item of hers.

She is smart she is active but was she allowing herself to be loved?

Do you see how I feel? I didn’t feel right posting about my complaints and struggles.

I was embarrassed and honestly was worried you all would tell me I asked for this.

I realize now I cannot be the only one who was foreseeing a challenge in their life.

Aubrey teaches me how to be a mom. She challenges me, makes me feel lost and confused and makes me feel powerful. The past 7 months, I’ve been trying to teach, show her what love is, what a mothers love is.

So, I knew the basics, right? Be there for her, help her with her needs, teach her.

Well this also sounds like a caregiver. She already knew what that was.

Second challenge. She didn’t want me to show her what love was. She closed me out the moment daddy held her. She chose to feel safe with him and ignored the possibility that she could be loved by a mother, her mother.

This beautiful 15-month-old girl had a mind of her own, showing how smart and clever she was. She rejected me and I held on with every ounce of love and energy I had to show her I would not give up on her.

Reading articles and having social workers visit us we knew “it took time”. So, we were used to this.

Home study

IT TOOK TIME

Government paperwork

IT TOOK TIME

Getting matched

IT TOOK TIME

Bringing her home

IT TOOK TIME.

Catch my drift?

She ran from me, needed daddy for everything and shut me out.

And still I was there waiting for her love.

As dad went back to work Aubrey and I had adventurous days, watching her explore her new life, swimming, meeting friends, spending time with mom! The day would end and daddy would come home where she would need him and not let go. Going back to work after my leave I would come home at the end of the day and she would stay by daddy.

She needed daddy. She needed to be able to choose him and needed him to accept that. A lot had changed in her life and she was holding on to whatever she could to feel she was in charge. To feel safe. To hold on to something stable.  When would this transition? How much time would go by until she allowed me to be her safe place?

My ability to stay patient began to grow into fear. This fear made me doubt myself and my ability to be a mom.

One major key point to help with bonding was to be the main caregivers. There’s that word again.

Hold her, catch her when she falls give her food and drinks and so forth.

Well when you have loving family and friends who are excited to meet her, things get challenging.

“she looks like she loves you”

Because you see me holding her for 5 minutes?

The stress of allowing others to hold her was overwhelming. I felt like this horrible mean, selfish person.

This is the first time I realized Aubrey will always be first. I would rather look like a brat who wouldn't let anyone hold our little one, than to lose the chance to have Aubrey love me, just to please others.

I knew I made a good choice, but it haunted me.

In group settings Aubrey would be playing and people would pick her up. I would turn my back and she would be in somebody's arms. I couldn’t focus on anything else because I had to always be on guard. 

I grew sick of telling people no, which made me more stressed that she hadn’t found her mamas love yet.

Fall came around and she showed signs of trusting me. Asking Jeff where I was when I was gone, asking about me when she was at day care. Unfortunately, by this time, I was so scared she never would love me that any time she screamed for dad when I got her up, I jumped to the conclusion she still didn’t love me.

Is this a toddler thing or an adoption thing? That question ran over and over and over through our heads.

All my energy has been focused on being there for her. It wasn’t until recently that I realized I didn’t just need patience to get me through this. I needed trust.

God has been there every step of the way. He has already seen me through this. My doubts my fears were only a distraction from me allowing myself to let Aubrey love me.

He loves me when I look for happiness elsewhere. He loved me when I refused him when I doubted Him, when I rejected Him. He loves me unconditionally. It has taken me a long time to Love Him back and I think about how much He has done for me. Not always giving me what I want, but always being there.

So that is where I have been these last 7 months. Hiding under a rock from the blog world trying to learn how to be a mother, how to love someone who doesn’t understand how to love you back.

She underwent surgery a few months ago. Nothing critical but caused a 2-night stay at children’s forcing a toddler on bed rest. PTSD kicked in, when she hit and rejected me again. The fear was so strong that the only thing that was stronger was my trust in Him. It didn’t matter that I knew she was in pain or tired, she prohibited me from helping her and it scared me. I held her close crying with her screaming in my arms pushing me away until she fell asleep. Trusting that my love for her will guide her to allow herself to be loved.

Aubrey turned two, having her first Birthday!

Two weeks later, she was in the ER, mommy had to take her. I was there forcing her to get poked and tests ran. She again was upset at me. Not even her favorite food or song made her happy. This time with faith and trust I was there loving her and showing her, I will always be there for her. Two days later she ran up to me with big hugs and kisses for days. She told me she loved me, with out any prompt from dad. She snuggled and asked for me all weekend and through the nights.

Life isn’t easy. Not when things go right, not when you are lucky to have a home and wonderful jobs. Not when your dream comes true and your missing piece is finally in your arms.

You don't know what someone else is going through, what demons some people are fighting. 

You don’t need all the answers, you don’t need to ALWAYS put on a brave face.

You need to fight, never give up and always believe you are doing exactly what you are meant to be doing.