He closed a door, and so I knocked

I’m not the same person I was a year ago and I can’t imagine anyone who is. We change in a result to time and life’s occurrences. We all learn the basics of a human needs and values in our childhood. We learn our diet, daily lifestyle, how to ask for help, when not to ask for help, how to be kind and show compassion and who to root for during the playoffs. Whether it’s right or wrong we get a basic knowledge that leads to the adult we may become someday, from the acts of others. Then there are times that bring experiences that lead to loss, gain, heartaches, mistakes and even miracles that I believe are the items that feed our inner soul. This is where we receive strength, wisdom, hope, courage and even peace.

A year ago I was lacking most of what I had just named off. I knew very little of adoption, I wasn’t even thinking too much into adopting although it was always in the back of my mind, and I was still very sure I would become pregnant. Actually no I lied, I was losing hope that I would ever become pregnant which back then, I was not ready to accept. Last year at this time I was beginning my last attempt with hormone therapy and dreadful pain. I don’t think I can even choose between which was worse, the pain I felt from my endometriosis or my heartache I carried fearing I may never give my husband a child. I can be completely honest with you, both of those I wish upon no one.

Another factor that comes to play is that I was afraid to share with others what I was going through. I feared I was letting my family down letting my husband down, I feared no one would understand why I was hurting, and I feared if I didn’t talk about it maybe it wasn’t real. Holding in something that profound can start to weigh on you and end up drifting you away from those who care about you.

God closed a door on me. He closed a door that led to pregnancy, ultrasounds, and baby kicks. I was broken and had almost given up after my  laparoscopic surgery last August. I was angry and felt like a child fighting with her father. I prayed often and asked for help and this is what it led to? I didn't want to talk to Him. This then led to guilt that I had lost trust, and now I was afraid it wouldn't even matter anymore.

Unsure how to move on from this I put my radio on scan for my 35 minute drive to work. It was around 730 am when the sun had just rose and I began passing the barns and corn fields with the occasional Amish buggy nearby. “Lord cannot do His job unless you do yours”. It was a Christian station that I cannot recall but was in the middle of a sermon. The man had a strong yet soft older voice that I could picture standing in front of a congregation with dark hair and a nice dress shirt, maybe blue. I have no idea why that picture came into my mind but I think God wanted me to be in this scripture and He wanted me to be completely committed.  The pastor was speaking of the scripture, Luke 11:9 "So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” The pastor continued, “It says in the bible we need to ask in order to receive, how can God answer your prayer if you do not ask it to be answered.” My heart stopped and I felt my jaw literally dropping to the floor. I’ve been struggling whether I should or even have the right to pray anymore for the fear of upsetting God and here the pastor is telling me that prayer is exactly what God asks of us.

The man kept going with the popular quote of when God closes a door….. There are many versions that I’ve heard, “God closes a door so that another may open” and “When God closes a door, look for an open window” as well as “when God Closes the door wait and be patient”. I heard another version that day and it went like this,

“God closes a door so that we can knock. God longs for us to seek him. God also yearns for us to grow with grace, strength and humility. God is asking you to knock, so keep knocking and fight for His Grace.”

I believe this one is my new favorite. At that instant my heart filled up with overwhelming Joy. This was Gods way of showing me He was there and was with me and has been with me the whole time.  He was telling me to keep knocking and that He is waiting for me. When the door is locked don’t stray away, do not look for an easy window and do not wait for things to just switch and become easy. Knock, fight, trust, commit, seek, and believe in His plan for He is the truth and the light.

I’m ready to share my story in hopes of spreading awareness of the secret life of infertility and to those who feel there isn’t a way out. I’m also happy to share that My husband and I are at an exciting part of our story as we have begun the process of adopting our child from China! I feel so silly thinking my plan could ever be better than His, I also feel our child, the one we are meant to be with and care for is out there waiting for us.

Every month I did not become pregnant over the last 4 and ½ years I’m finally thankful for. Every tear, every doctor visit, every negative result, every unanswered question of why? Brought me to this moment. It took me a while, few years even, but I finally let go and chose to trust His plan and chose to be happy. I chose Joy. Every day I wake up, I will have to choose Joy over and over again. Everything else that goes on in our lives, we are in control of how it makes us feel and what we will make of it.  I would not be a nurse working my dream job helping others as I am today, I would not be writing openly to strangers! And I might not even be included in one of the most beautiful experiencing I could ever imagine, Adoption, If I had become pregnant like I had planned.

 I feel closer than I ever have in holding my child in my arms. It’s different now as before I prayed to become pregnant but tonight my friends I will be praying for my child, that they feel loved, feel warmth and feel safe knowing We’re searching for them and will find them soon.