A Piece of Paper

According to the website Dictionary.com the definition of the word fear goes as follows,

“a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.”

When we were kids we brought life to inanimate objects. We became friends with our dolls, toy cars raced on an imaginary track in the living room and if you grew up in the 90’s beanie babies filled your bedroom/classroom of students. Pots and pans became a drum set. Chairs and blankets became a fort and our backyard became an enchanted forest. Why are kids so certain anything can happen and why do we lose this skill when we become adults? This magical talent can also bring harm. I remember making sure my clown doll wasn’t in my room when it was time for bed. Imagination of a child brings monsters that hide under the bed, and trolls that live under the stairs. As we grow up we hopefully find all our childhood fears and worries were actually just pretend. I haven’t thought of my youthful fears for a long time, that is until recently I came across a piece of paper…….

I give great applause to any adult that has become their childhood career choice. I know no matter what you wish to do with your life, there will be obstacles and challenges so I’m not saying it’s impossible, what I am saying is props to those who knew what they wanted to be in grade school! I think our teachers encouraged us each year to come up with a career choices because they wanted us to believe we could do anything. My choice changed often but was mainly a singer actress/teacher/astronaut. Fortunately for me I became the best thing ever.  A Nurse. Well I did end up somewhat becoming a teacher and if you ask my friends and co-workers I tend to sing, often when not needed, but I never made it to space. Somehow I think I’ll survive 😊

Besides writing out what we wanted to be when we grew up I also remember writing down our favorite things, who our best friends were and who we looked up to. Then it was time to write your worst fears. I suppose I wrote spiders or a disgusting bug down I couldn’t remember, but doesn’t a fear always change? As we get older we may be forced to face them, or  grow up and find joy in them, like roller coasters, or diving off the high board.

The day I decided to go through all my old school papers and notes I was getting excited to see what I had written down 21 years ago.  I laughed at the stories I found and the pictures I drew that my sweet parents placed on the refrigerator some long time ago.  After an hour had passed by and my room had scattered notes all around, I then came across that simple piece of paper.

The question, "What is your worst fear?"

My answer…

                  Never becoming a Mother

I held that piece of paper with both hands staring trying to change the wording with my mind. I, only a third grader at that time knew that my worst fear in the world would be if I would never become a mother. In the eyes of my 3rd grader self, my worst fear had come true.

We all know that I in fact will become a mother, but up until 2015 Adoption wasn’t in my mind, especially not at the age of 9. The day I heard those words that I couldn’t carry my child, my heart froze and a cloud of horror tapped my mind. Strangely I had forgotten all about that piece of paper and so I did not realize the extent of that doctors visit that one altering day. I was completely oblivious to this document that hid in my basement. It was out of sight out of mind and who knows, if I never came across it that one day if I ever would have remembered writing down those words.

 I also wonder how did I forget?

Thank goodness, I didn’t write getting buried alive, or being attacked by a swarm of bees, seriously I have goosebumps looking at my detailed handwritten note. This couldn’t be happening what are the chances of somebody’s worst fear coming true? This was a strange position to be in and I needed to take a step back to fully comprehend what was occurring.

I walked backwards to try to see how I ended up here in my room holding my worst fear in my hands while all along my heart has been imprisoned by it. How did I survive this? How did this not kill me? How did I get from a heart-breaking surgery to a path of restoration?

I understand I'm not the only woman who might have this fear, but there is a reason God waited to show me this statement composed from my childhood. He wanted me to reach my calling and grow strength in my faith and courage in myself. He wanted me to look back on my previous pain AND fear and see what I have defeated. You see not only have I realized my life has hit its battles, very personal battles might I add, but I also have conquered them.

A very recent conversation between friends opened the very concept of Gods plan for us. How to often we continue walking this earth trusting His plan and never get to witness how he uses us. This is not something we are meant to be a part of and I think it’s for our own good. That power of all knowing is a weight I’m not worthy of conducting. We go on living on the promise that His love is stronger than any evil this earth tries to pull us to. I’ve said before when I heard the calling to adopt how my damaged heart leaped toward this journey with more assurance than ever before that my love for having children wasn’t all for nothing.

Then this simple, plain piece of paper shows up in my life and reminds me that He knew my plan even when I was just learning to multiply and divide. He planted the seed in my heart even before I met the love of my life, before my wedding day He knew. He knew this entire time how infertility would lead to such grace. When I wrote down my worst fear many years ago, He knew.

This piece of paper gave me a glimpse of His extraordinary, flawless design.

John 14:27

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

Countless times, in scripture He tells us not to be afraid. This is easier said than done. So how do we turn off that emotion? How do we not fear? Is it courage? Knowledge? Faith? Is it the outcome of succumbing to your fear that gives you power to resist it?

Isaiah 35:4

“say to those with fearful hearts, “be strong, do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you.”

God asks us to submit to him and in return He is by our side fighting for us even when we feel we are abandoned. I love that scripture above! Not only will God come to rescue us, He will come with VENGEANCE! He will come to save you.  

Do me a favor. Close your eyes and place yourself alone in a field of green fresh cut grass. Nowhere in sight can you see a road or building. The wind is blowing and you feel at peace with no worry no chain of concern holding you down.

Now turn around and look at your past. Pick out your greatest accomplishments, your everyday achievements. Throw in there your physical, mental and spiritual battles you have overcome. They are far behind you, they remain visible and it’s clear they have dented your life but you have attained greatness by completing all those challenges, goals and even fears.

If you’re like me, we often knock ourselves down when we face new trials in our upcoming future and quickly forget how powerful and strong we are from our past encounters.

            Wear your battle scars with pride

Stand tall and laugh at that new challenge in the face. Who knows where it may take you, good thing the one who does is walking along your side.

If you’ve read my previous blogs, over a year ago I was trapped with the fear of the adoption process! Fear doesn’t keep us safe it keeps us from living. We face many fears every day and I can only assume when my child comes home many more uncertainties will enter my mind. I’m so blessed God Chose me and led me to the rewarding journey of adoption. My family’s life is bursting with Joy and possibilities all because we leaped for something we could not see or understand, but trusted His plan.

If you are tossing around the idea of adoption I pray fear does not hold you back. Do not let it stand in the way of something beautiful.

If you are controlled by a fear, or battling the outcome of a recent event, I pray you exchange fear with faith and accept the road of redemption God has to offer.

I pray for you.