Adoption is not an event, It's a process

Part of our adoption process includes educational classes that will prepare us for when we bring home our child. Classes never sound fun, especially when they are required, but I’m so thankful for these past two days for many reasons. We were surrounded by a variety of families going through similar journeys which led to making connections and exchanging emails. We were able to open up with our concerns and fears and myths about the adoption process with our social workers who gave us amazing support, resources and encouragement. And most importantly, our eyes were open to, in my opinion some of the biggest issues of a growing a family through adoption; bonding and attachment issues, gains and losses of adoption and the concept that the adoption process is not an event but rather a lifelong process.

For me I was like duh! It takes us almost two years before we get to hold their tiny hands in ours. Then I realized they were talking about the process being a part of the rest of ours and our child’s lives. They laid out the most common, hurtful, difficult questions that we will be asked countless times. They made us think of our answers, then our answer for when our child is old enough to hear our answers, then the answers for our child when they themselves are adults and will be asked the same questions again.

How much did your baby cost?

Do you know anything about their REAL parents?

Where are you from?

Why China?

Is it sad you won’t have your OWN children?

Have you tried other options to try to get pregnant?

Why does his or her skin look different?

A big discussion was talked about how we would first react to these. These questions won’t happen 10, 20 or even 30 times but multiple times at the grocery store, park, school, vacations restaurants and so forth. A few of us, my husband and I included agreed we would be a little, sarcastic for instance,

“Their REAL parents? Why yes I know a lot about my husband and myself. You can pinch me if you want, I consider myself pretty real” ;)

Or about the cost. Our leader pointed out a great concept.We don’t usually ask how much labor and delivery costs people or their doctor appointment’s. As much as we may want to be “snarky” I also want these questions to be great opportunities to offer education to those who are unaware of the process and how more and more common it is to have a family made up not of just biological blood but by Love. Yes the child we bring home will be our child. They wont have our eyes or smile but they will share our family traditions, memories, values and our love. How many ways did we try to bring out child into this world? Just like parenting is placed in peoples hearts, adoption was placed in ours this is our choice we have accepted it and are exciting about it and it would be extremely supportive If you do to, if not that's completely up to you. Do you want me to ask you how many times it took and which position you used to bring your child in the world? Or is that none of my business?

Back in the day adoption was a secret, those who chose not to raise their children were sent away  to maternity homes, kids were shipped on trains for work and children were “given up” due to health issues. Many birth parents may not have had a say and may not have had an option due to other family members having control and so it was seen as an embarrassment and kept a secret. But times have changed.

I pray our child never feels as though we are concealing anything from them. Their adoption story is part of who they are and in hiding that, I fear may make them feel as though we are ashamed of who they are. My child will never be blanketed with lies about where they came from because without their birth mother we wouldn’t have gained our missing piece, we wouldn’t have our child. We plan to be open with him or her so they know they can always talk and ask us about their birth story, if they choose to ask. If WE don’t talk about it, THEY may not talk about it, even if they think about it all the time.

Jeff and I still have a lot to learn as I know even when someone becomes a biological parent your children teach you something every day. Our adoption process will be no different. I hope with our honesty and awareness that even though they are our child and will be seen no other way, they have the ability to know their life story. Jeff and I had to grieve the concept that we wouldn’t have children that carry our biological features and when you grieve, no matter what you are grieving for, you hopefully come to the acceptance stage. This doesn’t mean it’s over. Today I learned that it’s not something you write on your to do list and at the end of the day you check it off and move on. Grieving is also a part of your story and it carries with you.

Our child will have a great loss as well. Coming home to us around the age of 18months, they will

lose their birth parents, environment, routine, a part of their culture, friends, and a sense of worth. Our child will be a minority in their family and will question why they are different; no child wants to be different. As adults we know how exceptionally amazing it is to be unique and I pray our child finds that out sooner than later. Our child will also have to be introduced to trust, be shown they can depend on their father and mother to help them with basic needs and hopefully understand what a mother a father is rather than a caregiver. We will have also lost moments of their first steps, first words, and other milestones in our child’s life.

Geez why am I being so sad and negative!?

Because when I ask you about the gains of adoption, many of you can probably list most of them.

·       Family

·       Shelter

·       Education

·       Food

·       Love

·       Clothes

·       Faith

·       Culture

·       Friends

·       Opportunity to live and long healthy and happy life

You also need to know my child’s losses because that is a big part of their story, their life, their future. The day we bring home our little one will be a day we will never forget but it will come with a cost. Our child at a young age will already know sorrow but I will never allow them to feel insecure or ashamed. I only hope by this openness and honesty they will have the ability to cope, grieve and grow into a beautiful, intelligent, brave, loving, confidant human being. Isn’t that what we hope for, for all our children?

Enjoy a short video with clicking on the link below. I think this is a great video that gives a great example of the awareness on how to NOT ask those silly questions. :)  

where are you from?